Blah!

Last week was very stressful. Well the latter half of the week was. The pie bake-off was absolutely wonderful— I had so much fun. The meet and greet was fabulous, I tried beers that I actually liked(!!1!11). Unfortunately, the event itself was tainted by Kevin being a jerk and ditching me at the event. Coupled with some other issues, I decided to breakup with him yesterday to which he had little to say, but did mention that he thought it would end up like this so he didn’t want to invest in our relationship. Um, that’s why I broke up with you idiot. Shot yourself in the foot there. Whatever, his loss! I’ve never felt so much that someone just didn’t deserve me. I really tried, and he obviously didn’t. Anyways, onto bigger and better things!

Things like… My first fashion show will be at Boston Fashion Week! I’ve really got to get everything in gear—making a website, getting business cards, and prolly shipping materials to really kick my etsy up a notch.

I’ve got to stop laying in bed. I have things to do. Patterns to make, latex things to make for a shoot on the 21st, and all sorts of cool stuff. Because I’m awesome. Fuck yeah!

Ugh

I can’t reconcile my weight with myself. I spent SO LONG being vastly underweight that now that I’m at a semi normal weight (130ish, which I was 135-140 before I got sick) again, I feel SO FUCKING FAT. I know I shouldn’t. It’s extra bad this week because my mother constantly pesters me to eat horrendously, frequently, and in amounts more than I would normally eat. Doesn’t help that no matter what I do, the bag makes me look like I’ve got more of a belly than I do.

I shouldn’t miss the way I looked, and for the most part I don’t… but there’s a small but persistent voice telling me how MUCH I’ve filled out and it’s getting to be a little nasty about it. I should exercise more but I just don’t have the energy. I keep telling myself that I can do everything I used to before I got sick this last time, but it’s such an uphill battle constantly. I’m constantly telling myself that it doesn’t matter. Kevin has been a HUGE help for my confidence, he’s constantly telling me how beautiful I am, that I’m super foxy and that the ostomy doesn’t matter at all when it comes to it. He makes me feel so desireable, which is nice—not in the creepy/sketchy way, but in a very romantic I’m going to stop you mid sentence to compliment your hair or just that the way your skin catches the light is alluring. Past partners seem to have… given up? Stopped bothering? After the first few dates, or even just once we became ‘official’ there was no bother to tell me that they liked how I looked anymore.

Compliments go in one ear, out the other. I don’t really listen to them anymore—I just figure they’re insincere, purely a topical whatever, or being polite. I attribute looking good to the clothing and time spent on putting the look together, not that it’s ME in there. Because I’m so uncomfortable with the way I look. My boobs are giant and don’t fit in anything anymore, particularly if there are buttons down the front. I love my boobs and I’m glad they’re back, but they’re a bit hard to handle and out of control. I miss being able to skip wearing a bra for a day and it not hurting/being an issue. I hate that I feel fat in all of my clothes despite that they fit a lot better since I really never bought anything too small. I’m still wearing 4s and 6s. I should be fucking thankful about my size. But I can’t get it right in my head. What I see is not what others see. I see an additional 25 pounds on me, and it didn’t settle quite right. My body isn’t like what it was before. My arms are huge and my thighs/butt have a bit of the cottage cheese look to them. I miss the smoothness of everything from how it was before. Gaining so much weight in so little time (20 lbs in a month) made it hit my boobs and torso first, and then the thighs and butt. I wish I had the energy to exercise more, but I feel that I’m slowly slipping again and I don’t know if it’s how I’m eating, if it’s the switch of antidepressant, or the fact my dose isn’t right. Or maybe it’s the fact I now feel hunger as hunger and am not confusing it with nausea or cramps.

I’m tired. I haven’t been sleeping well— I either sleep too much or too little. I’ve got a lot on my mind— shoot at the end of August with me as a designer and as a model, Boston Fashion Week Show and if I get in, School loans/bill that’s due, class in the fall, Kevin’s car problems, my own job hunt and money management issues because I’m depressed and sitting at home all the time doing jack fucking shit, not feeling productive no matter what I do, and the bake off on Sunday. My life feels so stop n go these days. Run run run run STOP SHORT run run run run STOP SHORT wait wait run run run STOP SHORT. I’m just exhausted and whiney and crabby. And I want to go home and get back to my diet of lots of veggies and building in fruit and cutting out processed foods (which is ALL I seem to eat with my mom…)

That’s it. I’ll feel better when I’m not eating ridiculous amounts of processed foods and go back to my strange little diet. It works for me. It’s just feeling like a giant tub of gross that I can’t stand. Must go back to barely sugared drinks, no wine, and less processed foods.

grrr

Today I started getting anonymous spam “questions” in my ask box. How can I disable anonymous people from posting obv. spam ‘look at my profile, you have wanted to see me naked and now you can. i hid my face in the photos! look up xyz screenname’. It annoys me that I can’t block them or have a spam filter for that crap.

yay!

One of my hats sold on Etsy— my first item! Yay! And next weekend I am competing in a pie competition, and on August 1st I’ll hear back if I made it into the Boston Fashion Week show. Fingers are crossed! And, I’ve been applying to a lot of jobs lately. While nothing has come to fruition, I’ve been offered a few interviews and at the very least, it’s better than nothing.